Why September can make you feel like you should have your life together

I always think there’s a unique nostalgia to September. The light begins to alter. There’s dew on the grass in the mornings. Leaves are changing. We are reminded of our school days. Of school dinners, new pencil cases and homework. If you have children, the feelings of nostalgia and the shift in focus can be heightened. Or you might be reminded of when you went to college or university and wonder what you then might make of your current life.

September can be surprisingly good at making us feel as though everyone else has their life together and we’re somehow falling behind.

Whatever your stage of life or situation, this time of year might cause you to feel that you should be doing something. And when you get this feeling, your thoughts might naturally go to needing to get fitter, upgrade your career or just, well, do more really.

I’m not against some reflection or setting of intentions in September. There is a natural flow of energy: the shedding of leaves, the change in focus from long summer days to autumn evenings, and a wish to make the best of the last quarter of the year. 

The trouble is that the feeling of the world shifting around us, of feeling the need to do something, can lead to self-criticism, unrealistic expectations, comparison or simply grasping at straws and not being mindful of what it is you really want.

If this resonates with you, if you feel left behind, like you haven’t done enough this year or like you should change who you are and what you are doing very quickly, then I might have some good news for you:

September doesn’t mean that you must change your diet, start a new exercise routine or reinvent yourself (unless you really want to that is)

September doesn’t mean that the women at the school gates or at work have it so much more sorted than you

September doesn’t mean that you must embark on some epic journey of learning or study (again, unless you want to)

What if, instead, September could mean checking in on yourself:

How am I really?

Now that routines are changing, what would I like to do for myself?

How authentically am I living my life right now? What would I like to change?

Now, that Autumn is unfolding, what would I like to shed?

How can I be kinder to myself as we progress into Autumn and winter? 

In some ways, it’s a more natural time to reflect than in the new year when we are in the darkness of winter. And this is especially the case if we make the reflection and any transitions we make about authenticity and self-kindness rather than comparison and what we think we ‘should’ be doing.

If you’ve started to berate yourself this season already for not being enough or tried to push yourself into activities or changes that you aren’t sure about, it could be that your background has ingrained patterns whereby you feel you need to constantly strive or shift to ‘be better’ or go on to the next thing. For instance, if you felt more loved or valued if you were successful academically, this might be something that you have carried with you into adulthood. And it might not just mean that you always feel like you need to achieve academically, that sense of striving might seep into other areas of your life. Alternatively, it could be that you come from a background where material gain and possessions were important. You may continue to believe that unless you are earning a certain salary or buying top of the range products, you are lesser somehow.

Even if you didn’t receive these kinds of messages in your early life, being constantly bombarded with images in the media that cause you to question whether you are enough and whether you have enough can trigger uncomfortable feelings. Either way, counselling can help you to think about who you really are and what you really want, rather than what others think you should do or be. Counselling can also help you unpick any patterns around not feeling good enough or that feeling or constantly comparing yourself to others.

This September, I invite you to sit with a cup of something nice with a notebook or to go for a walk in nature and imagine:

What would I feel like and be like at the end of December if I looked after myself the way that I want to?

What would things be like if I made decisions based on what I really want rather than what I think I should want?

What could be the first small step to help me get there?

And when I say imagine it, I mean imagine how it would feel in your body? Would there be a sense of relaxation, relief or comfort? What would it be like to be in that place?

You might also like to think about who you’d like to be with or what you would like to be doing. This reflection can be surprisingly telling because, often, we don’t stop and think about what it is we want to do or who we want to be with. We simply continue striving on the path that we are on.

Whatever the time of year, I always notice that the intentions born out of a true want or need in myself are the ones that stick. And I can also suggest that the inner knowing and self-awareness go a long way when faced with the bragging at the school gates, from colleagues at work or your next-door neighbour. This is because tuning in to your true self and your wants and needs is much more restorative and satisfying that reaching goals or aspirations dictated by others.