The Loneliness of Being a Good Girl

If you are reading this, it’s likely that the term ‘good girl’ resonates with you or that you’ve been feeling lonely and struggling to understand why. It isn’t talked about much but if you identify with the term ‘good girl’ or if you are someone who has been taught that being good, small, easy or selfless can keep you safe or loved, it can be very lonely. 

Maybe you see yourself in one or more of these women: 

Alison works hard as a social worker all week and cares for an ageing parent at weekends. She wouldn’t have it any other way, but she does feel lonely and longs for more connection.

Maya has a friendship group she has been part of for a long time, but she rarely feels seen. She’s always the one who clears up after parties and drops everything for others in a crisis. Unfortunately, others don’t do the same for her.

Zara has always found it difficult to connect with her true wants and needs. She can’t find a job or a friendship group that feels right for her. It feels like there’s a block to finding her tribe and she can’t work out what it is. 

Melissa finds herself at home alone a lot since her children grew up. She finds it difficult to find a new relationship or social life because she doesn’t know what she wants.

If any of these experiences resonate with you or if you simply struggle to connect and don’t know why, it could be that being a ‘good girl’ is an obstacle to connection for you. 

This can be lonely or confusing. After all, it might feel like you are constantly doing things for others but don’t seem to get nourishment or connection yourself. What can also be confusing is that you might be around others all the time but can’t shake that feeling of loneliness. You definitely don’t have to be alone to feel lonely but some of us might question it: ‘of course I can’t feel lonely because I’m surrounded by people! I must be imagining it…’

There are various ways that learning good girl ways can lead to loneliness as a child and later in life. They are things you certainly wouldn’t have realised at the time and as an adult we may not realise the impact unless we are prompted to reflect.

If you learned, as a child, to be perpetually nice or ‘unproblematic’ this may have caused you to hide who you really are from others. If it didn’t feel safe to show your feistiness, creativity, humour, sensitivity or quirkiness, you may have continued to hide these parts of you as an adult. As a child, it might have meant that you didn’t make the joke, join the drama group or stand up for yourself. As a woman it can mean that you find it difficult to find connection that is nourishing or meaningful.

If you spent a lot of time looking after and worrying about others you might have missed out on time playing, socialising, exploring and having fun. Those moments in childhood spent disastrously cutting friends’ hair or spending three hours spinning on the spot are important (and not just to find out that you shouldn’t be a hairdresser or that spinning too much makes you sick). It’s important to have as many of those moments as possible because they can help you find out what makes you tick and help you learn to connect. Not having flexed these muscles enough can contribute to lack of connection and feelings of loneliness in later life.

Like spending a lot of time caring for others, if you were urged to spend most of your time studying or practicing something like music or sport, this can also lead to not exploring what you really want out of life. It might also have meant that younger you didn’t have much chance to learn how to connect with others and to work out the things that are truly important to you.

This might also have meant that people wanted to have you as a friend due to your smarts rather than for reasons of connection, and this can be something that continues into adulthood. It was only a few years ago that I helped a friend with an assignment and then felt dropped by them a couple of months later. If this has happened to you, you aren’t alone.

Being taught to push down your feelings, which is common for good girls, means that you may find it difficult to express yourself now. This is a clear block to building the relationships you might want and deserve. Also, if you had emotionally unavailable parents, you may have learned that emotional suppression is the norm.  This is something that is difficult to unlearn but it is possible.

Any combination of these experiences can lead to being busy and surrounded by people but enjoying little true connection, being on a constant mission to find ‘your tribe’ with little success, experiencing friendships where you feel like you fulfil a purpose for others, but you don’t get much in return, or a frustration, conscious or subconscious that there are parts of who you are that don’t see the light of day.

Despite any current or historic blocks, it is possible to build a life with meaningful connection. Recognising what is happening, with kindness and self-compassion can be your first step.

Therapy can help you to get to the root of loneliness that you feel. It is possible to explore when the loneliness started and the patterns that have led up to it, either in childhood or in adult relationships. It can also be helpful to discover how your loneliness manifests in the body. Understanding your feelings can be key to sharing them with others. Therapy is also an ideal place to work out who you are if you feel you have been unknowingly hiding behind a good girl mask. Eventually it is possible to connect with others more authentically.

There are other ways you could work with your connection blocks. One way of doing this is to journal around the reasons you might find it difficult to be authentic or the reasons that you find it difficult to talk about your emotions with others.

If you were someone who looked after people when you were a child and have never prioritised your own needs I hope that you can finally spend some time reflecting on what you want  and need, whether that is around long lost hobbies and interests, the types of relationships you would like to have or what you need most in your life to improve your wellbeing. If you longed to join a drama group but never did or if you were discouraged from getting your hands dirty but always wanted to grow things, maybe now is the time to do the things you didn’t do. This could, in turn, lead to more meaningful relationships.

You may have been a good girl but there is an authentic woman who is ready for connection within you.

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Alison works hard as a social worker all week and cares for an ageing parent at weekends. On Friday evenings she goes to Salsa classes, laughs and drinks a mojito or two.

Maya isn’t sure how seen she is by her longstanding friendship group, but she is starting to meet other friends through a choir and through sparking more conversations at work.

Zara still sometimes finds it difficult to connect with her true wants and needs but she has revisited her passion for animals by volunteering at a wildlife centre and is starting to make some new friends. 

Melissa still sometimes feels lonely, but she is learning to express herself through art and journalling and feels hopeful for the future.