Are You Fed Up of Being a Good Girl?
Are you bored of picking your words carefully, keeping quiet or not having enough fun? Or maybe you’ve had enough of constantly checking yourself whether that’s your appearance, your work output or the way that you hold yourself. Let’s look at what might be happening and how you can start to break free from the mould.
As girls, many of us became more inhibited from about the age of eleven due to hormonal changes and wanting to fit in with peers. Some of us develop ‘good girl’ tendencies even earlier than this due to our family situation or reasons relating to culture or environment. These realities combined can result in long term Good Girl Syndrome, that can impact us well into adulthood.
Good Girl Syndrome can manifest itself in the following ways:
People pleasing. This might include second guessing what others want without considering your own needs or not doing things you want to do for fear of upsetting others.
Perfectionism. You might be horrified if you make a mistake or check work over and over again before submitting it.
Suppression of emotions. You may suppress anger, sadness, or playful, spontaneous behaviour.
Lack of boundaries and self-sacrifice. You might feel an inability to say ‘no’ or neglect your own personal health, goals or desires for the sake of others.
Conflict avoidance. You might avoid conflict at all costs, even though some form of conflict might be required to resolve or improve an issue.
A strong sense of shame. ‘Good Girls’ can feel a strong sense of shame relating to all kinds of things including past mistakes, having strong feelings or speaking up. Some can even feel shame about doing well in life.
As I’ve alluded to, this phenomenon can come as a result of factors relating to your upbringing, the environments you found yourself in as a child and cultural factors. More specifically, it can manifest through these experiences:
Societal Conditioning: Early upbringing and societal expectations that praise girls for being obedient, quiet, and helpful.
Cultural Expectations: Cultural norms that equate compliance with respect.
Trauma Response: It can be linked to the ‘fawn’ response, a trauma survival strategy, where one becomes hyper-attuned to others' emotions to ensure safety.
I think it’s important to unpack further the trauma and adverse experiences that can lead to being perpetually ‘well-behaved’, as these experiences can often be the most difficult to identify. If you experienced the following in childhood, it could contribute to your good girl tendencies:
If you were a carer during your childhood (official or otherwise), this may result in being overly good in adulthood because you may have a tendency to look after others, whatever the cost. This can particularly be the case if you looked after someone with mental health issues or addiction issues, for example.
Girls who were caused to feel their experience wasn’t important may experience Good Girl Syndrome. For instance, if you were told that you were a burden or unwanted, this can lead to fawning.
Girls who found themselves in a ‘scapegoat’ role or who were often blamed for things that weren’t their fault might constantly check their actions later in life.
If you had unrealistic expectations placed on you around education, looks or behaviour it is understandable that you may take this with you into adulthood.
If you were told or taught that other siblings were more important than you due to gender, birth order or any other factor, this may result in overcompensation or trying to disappear.
If you experienced physical violence in childhood this can result in continued hypervigilance around your actions, behaviour and words.
This list is by no means exhaustive, but I hope gives a sense of some of the scenarios in childhood that may lead to these tendencies.
Constant concern about your behaviour, how you come across, your looks or your treatment of others can result in issues that include:
Low mood or depression
Ongoing anxiety or worry
Health issues such as IBS or the exacerbation of autoimmune disorders
Unhealthy relationships due to adaptation
Not following your true needs or wants
It’s important to say that it is possible to break free from the chains of Good Girl Syndrome. I can’t promise that there is a fast fix, but it is possible to go from Good Girl to authentic you if you take things step by step and are kind to yourself in the process. Counselling can be very beneficial if you feel that being a good girl is impacting your life in a negative way. There are also things that you can do yourself to kick the habit.
Practice saying no. You can start this in small ways if this feels better. It can also be important to remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence. In most cases you don’t have to offer justifications or reasons if you can’t do something.
Identify your own needs. Take time to work out what you want, rather than rolling with others wants and needs all the time.
Validate yourself rather than seeking validation from others. Aced an exam? Tell yourself how amazing you are! Said no for the first time? It’s time for a pat on the back!
Try communicating assertively, even if this is just with friends or ‘safe’ people initially.
Sometimes doing this kind of work can feel daunting or relentless but I genuinely feel that there is fun to be had when trying to break free from that inner good girl. Here are some fun ways that you can experiment and bring out that more authentic, feisty or carefree side of you.
Create a playlist that speaks to your more authentic, feisty or carefree side. Think Florence + the Machine, Self Esteem, Chappell Roan, Janelle Monae and Paris Paloma perhaps.
Record voice notes where you express your opinions, talk about your needs and wants and validate yourself then listen to them back.
Take up a hobby that helps you to tap into that free or feisty side. This might be something like singing, kickboxing or experimental art.
Use your creativity to express the antithesis to your inner good girl. This might include painting what freedom looks like or writing a story about the different parts of yourself.
Read to experiment with the edgier, wilder parts of who you are. Suggestions include Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and Untamed by Glennon Doyle.
It’s important to remember that there may have been reasons why being a Good Girl served you in the past. Sadly, there are some family environments where it may have kept you safe. But in adulthood the likelihood is that you have far more choices than you did as a child, and it is now much safer to find your freedom. In fact, in my opinion, we need more women than ever to cast aside that good girl façade. If you would like to poke your head from the façade, how could you do that? It doesn’t have to be anything big or even public. It could be something as simple as singing at the top of your voice or splashing in puddles. It’s all up to you.
Lino print © Beth Roberts